HE brings you to it, HE brings you through it

What a load?

Let me first say that I am not underestimating the POWER of my God - I know He can orchestrate anything He wants to in my life - He can move mountains or move me. 

So, why do I sometimes then insist on staying right where I am?

It's not something I talk about much anymore (or even think about to be honest). 
If I do, people accuse me of hanging on to the past, harboring hate and anger, or even sinning against God. 

Call it what you want. 

But if I am honest with you, I still struggle with the breakdown of my position at NWUMC.  I realize that most other people (especially those who were involved) would like to just "move on" with life and pretend as if nothing happened.

Well I am here to tell you that: Something Did Happen.

Quite possibly the biggest heartbreak I have ever felt happened.

I was disrespected, treated as if I were disposable, not shown any grace or mercy.

I felt broken down, beaten up, and abandoned by so many people in my life.

Since then it has been easier for most people to pretend that we are acquaintances at best.  To act like my behavior is reaction to something that never occurred.  That it would be better for all of us if I just admit that I was over-reacting, misinterpreting, telling lies, or just being emotional.

I am emotional.  But you know, I am also done with it.  I have seen my parents, siblings, and other close family members and friends lose something through all of this.  I have seen them go through some of the same trials that I did; right along with me and in some ways on there own as well.

And learn, we must.  My Dad always taught me to look at a situation and ask yourself: will this affect me in a week, a month, a year.  I believe it will, but not negatively. 

So, what have I learned? 
How can I move through this positively.

- First and Foremost, I have learned that God loves me as much as He says He does. 

That He is working in me. 

- The true definition of family isn't something that can be verbalized.  It's a feeling, a look, a pat on the leg or a hug that lasts a little longer.  It's defending the person you love in ways no one could ever imagine.  That my family has a love that I am not sure anyone else could feel.  The way we support each other unites us in a way that no one can break us completely down.  That my parents are people of incredible charecter, integrity and respect; they have the capacity to love like no other humans I know.

- That healing is more than a single decision.  It's one that has to be made everyday. 

- That some people aren't who you think they are.

- That forgiveness is hard.

- That each one of us is responsible only for our own behavior.

- That I never want anyone to feel like I don't consider their thoughts, feelings, or life as invalid.  No matter what situations I may face for the rest of my days on this Earth, I will try to be sure that I never cause the pain that I felt.

- But it seems the theme that sticks out the most to me is that people are just that, people.  We all make mistakes, we all can sometimes choose to look past someone else's fear and pain ... too afraid that it will make us hurt too. 

So be scared, I won't do it.  Hurt, I will, deeply and terrifyingly...I will let myself feel pain and heartache.  It makes me human, it helps me heal.  And as I move forward from here, more days I will choose to forgive the people that I feel have done wrong or caused the pain.  By the Grace of God, I will choose to forgive, with the Love of Christ, I will learn to love even those that my human heart couldn't possibly dream of loving.